


Corporate Evil

by thatsweetmysteryoflife



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-28
Updated: 2012-02-28
Packaged: 2017-10-31 21:08:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsweetmysteryoflife/pseuds/thatsweetmysteryoflife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Daleks, evil is simply a day job. A very silly story about Daleks at work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Corporate Evil

**Author's Note:**

  * For [saunteredvaguelydownward](https://archiveofourown.org/users/saunteredvaguelydownward/gifts).



> This is an extremely silly story about the day jobs of Daleks. I can't take credit for the original inspiration for it, but I enjoyed writing it quite a lot.

Daleks are well-known across the universe for being the most evil, the most hated, the most destructive species that has ever existed or will ever exist. Ask a random planet what species they're most afraid of, and the answer will most likely be, "The Daleks." Their name alone strikes fear into the hearts (or other cardiac organs) of billions of races.

But it's not so much that Daleks are  _inherently_ evil, although they do an excellent job of convincing the rest of the universe that this is so. That is all evil is to them—an excellent job. While some of us go to work and are doctors and clerks and builders and lawyers, the Daleks go to work and are evil. Nobody quite knows why this is the case, but nevertheless, the Daleks continue to go about their lives spending days at the "office," sending memos, completing projects, and going home once it's all done. The only difference is that mass extermination shows up much more often in their lists of daily activities.

They're  _very_ good at mass extermination.

They're also very fond of coffee.

\----

In order to better understand the logistics of just how a typical Dalek workday plays out, the most effective technique is observation. And what better place to observe office dynamics than that quintessential center of office life: the break room?

We now observe a fairly typical Dalek break room, found on floor 1,574 of a building identical to all the rest on Skaro's surface. (Daleks have long since learned to never include stairs in their building plans. Instead, there are a disproportionately large number of elevators.)

\----

Dalek Joe glided over to the coffee machine and extended his plunger until it fit neatly into the specialized slot. "COFFEE," he intoned, and the machine whirred as it injected coffee straight into his digestive system. It beeped when it had finished, and he retracted his arm and glided his way to the large table in the center of the room, where his five co-workers had already situated themselves.

"THE COFFEE IS GOOD TODAY," remarked Dalek Dave, who was directly to Dalek Joe's left and scanning his eyestalk over a stack of documents on the table in front of him.

"YOU ARE RIGHT," agreed Dalek Joe, and all around the table the Daleks nodded their eyestalks in agreement. The coffee was usually good. Daleks were nothing if not consistent in everything, especially in how they made their coffee.

"SO," remarked Dalek Sam, "I HEAR YOU COMPLETED A BIG PROJECT TODAY, DALEK PHIL."

"YOU ARE CORRECT, DALEK SAM," said Dalek Phil. "THERE WAS A PLANET-WIDE EXTERMINATION PROJECT PUT INTO MOTION TODAY." All the Daleks wiggled their blaster guns up and down in congratulations (the Dalek equivalent of applause).

"THAT IS EXCELLENT, DALEK PHIL," Dalek Joe said. "WHAT WAS THE SCALE OF THE EXTERMINATION?"

Dalek Phil made some whirring noises deep within his casing. "IT WAS A FULL-SCALE DELTA PHI TRIPLE-BETA EXTERMINATION PROCEDURE ON PHLEGEROS FIVE," he admitted. There was another round of blaster gun applause around the table.

"THAT IS MOST ADMIRABLE, DALEK PHIL," commented Dalek Steve, who had been involved in many large-scale exterminations in the past, but always appreciated it when those in lower positions exerted themselves.

"I ECHO HIS ADMIRATION," said Dalek Tom, who was a bit of a suck-up to Dalek Steve and always agreed with him, no matter what he said. Dalek Phil wiggled his eyestalk to indicate embarrassment at all the praise he was receiving, and tried to deflect the attention.

"BUT YOU HAVE ALSO BEEN WORKING ON SOMETHING, DALEK DAVE. WHAT IS IT?" asked Dalek Phil. Dalek Dave shifted his attention away from the papers he was still perusing.

"MY DIVISION IS CURRENTLY PREPARING NEW SYSTEMS OF TRANSPORT FOR DALEK FLEETS, DALEK PHIL," remarked Dalek Dave, "IN ORDER TO BETTER WITHSTAND INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL FOR EXTENDED TIME."

"AN EXCELLENT IDEA, DALEK DAVE," said Dalek Steve approvingly. "I HEAR THIS PROJECT WAS ORIGINALLY YOUR IDEA?" Dalek Dave meekly nodded his eyestalk in acknowledgement and all the Daleks burst into blaster gun applause once more.

"INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL IS A VERY DIFFICULT THING," said Dalek Sam thoughtfully. "DALEK DAVE, IF YOUR PROJECT MAKES ANY NEW SYSTEMS, MY DIVISION AND I WILL BE DELIGHTED TO TEST THEM." Dalek Sam worked in research development and testing, and was very fond of seeing just how far he could push new designs before they broke. Or exploded. Or both.

"AND THEY WILL BE WEAPONIZED, I HOPE?" Dalek Tom was very fond of weaponized vessels. (After all, he  _was_ a Dalek. It would be hard not to be fond of weaponized vessels and still be a Dalek.)

"OF COURSE, DALEK TOM," assured Dalek Dave. "THEY WOULD NOT BE DALEK VESSELS IF THEY WERE NOT." (See what I mean?)

Dalek Joe was about to comment regarding his opinions on the state of weaponized transport vessels (which happened to be "the more the better") when a high-pitched bell-like noise rang through the room.

"ALL DALEKS RETURN TO OFFICES. BREAK IS OVER. ALL DALEKS RETURN TO OFFICES. BREAK IS OVER," intoned the PA system. All six Daleks busied themselves with cleaning up their messes and preparing to return to work.

"WILL WE SEE YOUR OFFICE AT THE ANNUAL LASERBALL TOURNAMENT THIS YEAR, DALEK JOE?" asked Dalek Phil. He was passionately fond of laserball and was very competitive with regards to the annual office tournaments.

"WE HAVE NEVER MISSED A TOURNAMENT, DALEK PHIL," Dalek Joe assured him. "WE WILL SEE YOU THERE." As an afterthought, he added, "SAY HELLO TO YOUR DALEKMATE AND SPAWN, WILL YOU?" Dalek Phil agreed and glided out the door.

With much whirring of gears and clanking of machinery, the Daleks headed back to their jobs full of only the most high-quality evil.

Except for Dalek Tom, who stayed behind for just one last shot of coffee.

He was, perhaps, a bit  _too_ fond of coffee. Even for a Dalek.


End file.
